M- came a little before eight and stayed till nine in bed with me rather in the pathetics. She cannot get over her love for me, but I behaved with perfect propriety. She said, well if anything happens to A- and Mr C[rewe] would I take her back again. I made no answer till she said would I not, when I replied, “I would not shut the door against you”, on which she thanked me and said I was very good.
M- said nothing and [Mr] L[awton] said he was a scoundrel of which nobody apparently took any notice. M- mentioned it when we came up to bed, [she] seemed low and nervous. I tried to feel her, advised her going to London to her uncle and Louisa for a week to see little M- till she told me at length the history of [Mr] L[awton] and Eliza Lawton. Then told her not to be away. Said I saw her mind wavered about leaving [Mr] L[awton], but that she must not do it unless he compelled her for refusing to have the girl live with them or unless something between him and the girl came out. She had taxed with it, with what the girl said, and he declared it was a lie. The girl did not like to be alone with him. He had put his tongue into her mouth, which, said M-, is you know the last thing but one to which I agreed.
We talked of how the girl’s mind might be debauched till M- began kissing me and we got into such tonguing warm work that she got excited. I kept my hands over her clothes and my arms decently around her till the right [hand] wandered to queer, outside, till I took up her petticoats and put it to her and I gave her a thorough grubbling. I think she will have her cousin for it. I certainly felt oddish, but no wish to be near her myself, though she said in the midst, “can you not come near to me for a minute or two”. I made no reply but went on never opening my eyes. She asked if I loved her; I merely said yes. When I’d look at her it was in silence, neither as if ashamed nor as if attendrie nor caring much. I was grave and silent. She said she was better and hoped I should have a good night. What is the meaning of all this? Can this be the conduct of a pure minded virtuous woman! I despise it. She has tried all ways to upset me. I have done what I have done, but she shall never gain more nor ever. I hope a repetition even of this. I could have done without it, but somehow, I thought [to] gratify her with one parting grubble. I ought not to have been, but I will try to turn it to some good account by telling her I shall show her letters and by keeping out of the way. My respect for her is gone.
She read me Mr C[rewe]’s last letter, long and written at different times according to her request. Nothing absolutely improper might be read aloud, but the understanding between them is evident. How will it end? He is a gambler. I told her today I’d not think that right and was sorry for it.
She sends A- a little pocketbook yet she will try to lead me astray from her! But she shall not do worse and I hope, and I trust the scene of tonight cannot recur. Is this the chaste and quiet M-? I will keep out of her way and Mr C[rewe]’s too as well as I can.
Lay down in my clothes.