No kiss – A- in good spirits.
Then dress[ed] and after waiting a few minutes went to see if A- was ready – all wrong about going to church in the yellow carriage, would not go at all. Said I was very sorry but really, she had consented to it – no, she knew nothing about it, and I had promised never to ask her again to go to church in [the] yellow carriage. Why, said I, you know I explained the necessity of using it sometimes now that we took no journeys and I mentioned using it every third Sunday and thought she agreed to this and was satisfied. No, she understood we were to make the next call in this carriage, yet she could not deny what I had said about the once in three weeks. Very well, said I, I am sorry I have been so mistaken shall I order the horses to be put to the other carriage – no, said she, ‘I can order for myself, the yellow carriage used to stand much longer unused’. True, I replied, but then it was when it had been knocked up so as to want repairing and I put these off till June before I should want the carriage again – but will you go to any other church – ‘no, I will order for myself, I can go somewhere’. I replied calmly – no, you cannot very well order for yourself – well but, said she, ‘I used to go’. Yes, I answered, but that was when you were by yourself – however I have been very anxious only for your happiness and you may very easily get rid of me, but I will keep up appearances – I will not go without you (she had at first said I had better go by myself), I will send the horses back. On this she said nothing but began to get ready to go. I wanted her to put on my woollen boots to keep her feet warm but this she would not do. I am sorry, I said, you will not do what I ask – and came away. Not a word passed in the carriage till after waiting at the school door twenty minutes reading – she re-joined me and put out her hand, saying, ‘will it be accepted’. Yes, certainly, but we will not talk about it now as we are going to church. My mind had been full of her and getting rid of her – thought of her buying Home House, Mr Armitage’s, and then she might go there during her aunt’s life. I will pay her her thousand pounds and have done with her. Why should such a temper bother me? I felt the blood in my head and felt unwell and uncomfortable. If the growing affection I had for her did not give way, I should be miserable.
Very civil with A- but I had kept up my gravity. On leaving the dining room she gave me a kiss which I returned kindly but said nothing – she thinks, perhaps, she has done enough. It is my turn to make the advance. No, no, this work is too frequent and tiresome. I have no hold of her for long – I have seen from a thousand trifles that she feels no indissoluble tie – I have for months joked about me um and tum. She shall have her way – I will keep up appearances as well as I can, but I will help her to get rid of me as well as I can.