Somehow, I think more of A- than she deserves. I wish I was well rid of her.
Copied my letter to Lady S[tuart] de R[othesay]. Then A- came to me all in the dolefuls about a handkerchief frill – tried to get her right. She had been very hardly used twice by me and now by her aunt. Never thought of going to Cliff Hill as she had done – could not bear [it]. When she came here thought of going abroad and when I said I had offered her to go away to any friends or do anything I could – she said she did not like to go with my servants – I said she had the whole management. I said I had nobody to advise with – might I write to her sister. No, it would be very hard. Well, said if I could but have my own way I should not fear. Indeed, but she did not like to be an automaton. I was very calm and quiet and said by and by she must forgive me if I did not forget the word automaton. I would not break her heart nor use her hardly nor make her an automaton. These things could be easily settled but every sensible [person] kept up appearance as well as they could. She sat all the while on my knee – I begrudged the time and said I must seal all my letters and go out. She had before declined reading them – she now said as she had waited so long, she might as well read them. Her curiosity got the better [of her] – she made no remark, nor did I. I hope I shall be rid of her by and by. Had I not better remain a little with Lady Stuart if I can with any comfort? At least I had best not return to A-.
I looked very grave at dinner – A- had a headache – temper sick, so I let her go off to bed and have taken no notice since. I must be rid of her, be it as it may. Her bad temper, vulgar pride and littleness of mind would be an insupportable drag upon me for the rest of my life. Surely, I shall get on someway – I dread the loneliness most, but heaven will provide me even against this in some way. Had A- been barely tolerable I could have got on. Perhaps I am obliged to her aunt for making this opportunity of getting off. Does A- suspect my thought of not returning to her? Cunning and suspicious as she is, does she think that I hope not to trouble her long?
Has A- thought much of losing the forget me not ring I gave her?