She could only sleep on the right-side last night – it was well she was ready for me without any trouble moving. A pretty good kiss on getting into bed and another about an hour after, she nothing loth and seeming to have had two good ones – said after the first she thought I had done her good and in the midst of the second said how delightful. Tried to go to sleep but [M- suffered much from her ear].
She asked me if I would go farther which I declined. I asked as we drove down the back if she cared for me – yes – if she thought of me – yes, often and much – but she still thinks she shall not be long lived and that Charles will survive her and, somehow, the calmness or indifference of her manner annoyed me. I asked if she would go to Holland again – no, she did not wish to travel, liked her hens and chickens better. Somehow, I said to myself on leaving, ‘well, I never think of her without irritation’. I felt relieved to be rid of her and anxious to get her out of my mind. Shall I, said I to myself, ever dislike her – I am glad her visit is over, yet no one, as my aunt owns, see any difference from formerly in the manner of either of us – but, said I, there is a great difference at heart.