I felt out of sorts with her but did not show it. We fondled as usual and I was handling her and feeling her queer as she had not much cousin – at least, all was dry. Explained why I thought her mistaken in thinking she would bear a man easier than me – explained the size of men – how Caesar was biliber[?] – as big as two books. Mentioned some women taking even an ass and the woman in Paris with a dog to be seen for ten francs etc. – all which she listened to with interest and composure. Told [of] my attachment to Eliza Raine that began at thirteen or fourteen – each unknowing at first that there was a break between us – my fault – I too giddy, tho’ not caring in reality for anyone else – and the poor girl from that time began to be not quite herself.

Joked and said I knew she, Miss W-, meant to say ‘no’ – that she would break my heart at last, but she would never hear of it – would hear neither of nor from me – then, said she, I must say yes or give you up entirely. Said what else could she expect – people who felt moderately might act so – how could I do so? I had nothing for it except one extreme or other – thus, such, in preparation of being off, I know she would like to keep me on so as to have the benefit of my intimacy without any real joint concern.

[Letter to M-] Did not mention her in any way so that M- could surmise anything particular – on the contrary – afterwards spoke of having no tie here and should be glad to be off as soon as I could.

[Talking to my aunt] about Miss Walker – my aunt’s joking me yesterday about my changing my mind had struck me – perhaps I might do so. The nearer I seemed to her, Miss W-‘s, consenting – and by a strange perversity – the more I doubted my own mind. She had chosen lemons too well – and knowingly – and like a housekeeper at Gregory’s on Monday. In fact, talked as if I was very wavering as in fact I begin to feel.

4 thoughts on “20 October 1832

    1. How so? All of the diary pages are online for everyone to see, read, transcribe as they see fit. There is also a huge exercise underway to transcribe all of the diary entries and make them accessible to all. You know that reading material on the internet is optional?

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  1. I just wanted to leave my thanks to you for this wordpress. I know the diaries are incredibly difficult to decipher and this must have taken you a considerable amount of time and effort to compile. Thank you so much – Anne Lister truly is fascinating.
    Are you still working on the diaries? If so I look forward to reading more.

    Thanks again.

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    1. Thank you! I am currently working on some earlier stuff, notably the period where she is trying to woo Vere and failing miserably. I will most likely post it when I’m done!

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