28 June 1838

Asked A- to have noyau soon after setting out – no, and her tone of voice was the sign of my saying no more. I have never spoken since – dullish work.

Except two or three times asking her to have noyau, I never spoke from Barbezieux to Bordeaux. Spoke a little this evening but she is terrible – I never before knew the misery of solitude. She is with me and yet I have not a soul to speak to. She is a human being at my elbow, and I am alone. Oh, that I was well rid of her.

27 June 1838

Would rather be farther out of A-‘s hearing but she is in her best way this morning.

To amuse, began at supper about Orleans Cathedral and she got into ape! And went off to bed. What a temper, but really, I don’t mind it so much as I did at first.

25 June 1838

What will A- become? She is very little companionable – always poorly or out of sorts someway – wants to be quiet. She is like a millstone round my neck.

14 June 1838

Cousin came gently during the day.

A- quite wrong again on finding that I should go to Magendie at three. What a temper she has. Whether I am bothered or not she seems as if she neither knew nor cared. Any appeal to pity or anything else is unavailing. I sometimes [think] even good heartedness is merged in selfishness or bad temper. Oh, that I was rid of her.

13 June 1838

A- cried and was quite wrong. And is it you, I said, can do in this way – one can bear to ascertain point and not beyond it, and [I] walked off and wrote the note, as above, and A- sulked and was poorly and inept. My thoughts to myself, meaning to rid of her by and by.

What with poor, simple Oddy and A- I have bother enough. Said I to myself after leaving A-, well, tis the first time I have ever been downright unhappy in Paris – but I soon got up my spirit a little in promising to get quietly rid of A- by and by.

12 June 1838

A pot de chambre not to be had.

What terrible work but she said it was monsieur that had come so much. She could not stir – it was coming throughout everything. I set off and in twenty minutes returned with a nice pair grey worsted stocking sewed together at the ends with an aune of riband and a little vial bottle of brandy and all was right.