On the subject of affairs, I ended by asking her to keep the
whole of the establishment, for I really could not stay to see myself ruined.
She frets over Cliff Hill going to ruin. Poor thing, she will fall a sacrifice to
her estate, which she cannot manage herself and will not leave to anybody
else’s management – her reason will at least succumb?
Then with A- talking things over. At last she begged me to
cheer – she thought we could do, but she said nothing whether she would take
upon her the expenses of the establishment or not – but said she could not bear
to see me so unhappy.
A-‘s cousin come.
A- poorly and does not speak, but still in good temper.
A- rather wrong about her room.
A- came to me at seven and we had a kiss and a slumber.
Then grubbled and dozed till nine and a half. Then sat up, A-
mending my things and I reading or dawdling till eleven and a half, then
undressed and got into her bed about twelve and had a kiss and a slumber and
got into my own bed.
A- came before I was up and sat in bed with me some while.
In the meantime A- and I had begun grubbling and ended in a
kiss on my bed! She had made the amende honourable this morning at Rue Saint
Victor. Said she was very sorry and promised more earnestly than ever before to
do better in future. Poor thing, she really seemed sorry and we made it up.
A- quite wrong, harping on [this] not being what she
expected. Poor thing, what can I do? Who will notice her as they do? Said as
usual how sorry I was etc, did the best I could etc. It was my doing that we
were together; it was hers that we parted. I hope this time I really shall get
rid of her.
A- so wrong that we really part this time, or I make my own
terms – she says she never has her own way.
Glad they did not come in; I should have been ashamed of the
poorly A-. What can I do but try to get well rid of her?
Then half hour writing copy of note to the Countess de Noe
and to Mr Oakey.
Tolerably much of cousin yesterday but hardly any in the night.
[A- wrong at breakfast but I got her right, and then the eighty-franc
boon at Amyot’s and the silk gown and was all right till we went to Brochards –
not amused and rather wrong again. What a bore – I am never at ease but when
away from her.
I shall never keep a servant with A-. I must begin over again
– I must be rid of her by and by.
A- had been crying all the time.
Poor A-, Doctor Double leads her – we shall probably return. I
must settle my affairs as well as I can and manage as well as I can, but she
leaves me no liberty – she is like an incubus on me. I must see about it. She
will be no better, I think, for Double’s medicine than his bathing at the
Pyrenees, but she will be a good friend to doctors by and by.
Night on the phallic worship etc.
Slight symptoms of cousin last night but put nothing
particular on. Rather more appearance this morning but have put nothing on as
A- made a sort of indirect apology for her queerness of
yesterday and is right again. When her neck is so poorly, says she cannot think
or bear speaking to or anything!