A- got ready to go then began to cry and I at last persuaded
her to stay at home.
No, if I did, I should not go – she said that consoled her.
Asked after A-, how long she had been with me – five and a half years – had I
known her long? All her life. Hinted at her being so unlike me – I said the
being like was not necessary, being suitable was a different thing. [Princess]
R[adzivill] thought she was very mild – yes, but she orders the house – R-
should not have thought her capable of this. Poor A-, I see they wonder at her
and at me for having her.
I praised the elderly beauty and the house of the old
Countess all right – asked what we were to do about leaving cards or what –
yes, perhaps by and by – perhaps……as if she might invite us again or not – as
if she was quite the great personage. Somehow there is a something I do not
quite understand – perhaps they are unwilling to consider us among themselves
as noblesse and I should be impatient of anything under – there is a something.
Am I beginning to feel not quite at ease to fancy people do
not call etc?
[A- and I stood and sat and
stood talking, out at 3 ¼] She thinks Princess R[adzivill] does not wish for us
[Countess Kutaisoff] is to
have a large plaster on her stomach and take petit lait, four or five cups –
one every half hour. Has the piles – all the Russians have them, particularly the
women – even the servants. Count Panin, when I observed that our princess
looked ill – what could be the matter with her – thought perhaps she had too
many doctors and too much physic.
Incurred a cross last night
thinking of M-.
Think of taking back Joseph
Booth and keeping the Russian girl.
Poor A- in tears again. She cannot understand and can neither
learn herself nor, in fact, let me learn – the idea of her and my learning
anything together is too absurd. Oh, that I could be a little more to myself –
both of us would gain by it. It is terrible – I cannot be let stir without her.
I have not a moment to call really my own nor can I buy a book or a chiffon without
her. This cannot last.
Princess really cordial to me tonight – asked me to write
something in her album. Gently observed that Mrs V- was of another society –
disagreeable to make those acquaintances but she did it to please her mother –
the old lady pleased with my admiration of Princess R[adzivill].
The emperor lent him sometime back, on mortgage, seven
hundred thousand roubles.
Kissed us both and took
leave of me as ma bonne voisine.
Well, I am glad our
princess is going. I wished I had not gone there this evening for, tho’ she is
always ladylike, I believe I was not wanted. At least, I felt this and was
gauche and mortified as before. Enough of all this. Take care of such
intimacies in future – I will not show my sense of this but take a quiet useful
Incurred a cross last night thinking of the princess.
He has sent a friend to inquire for a la Quaid de place at…
She smiled and said – c’est vous – she has a sort of journal
that nobody can understand – leaves and flowers and dates.